Psycho Babble

once there was a girl who loved the sea, she went no matter the season--each had its own allure--summer tumbled seaglass: blue, green, amber--fall starfish strewn against dunes--winter rippled ridges of sand like crimped hair...nor'easters and thunder kissing lightning was her favourite time of year--she was usually the only one on the beach, but one gusty afternoon she spotted him; called her dog in closer to her footprints; squinted...what was he doing on a november beach?

This is what was happening., and it made me smile, even though I've read it 20 times. Being A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an oppportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old.

as she squinted into the distance, she focused on this 92 year old man; wondered what on earth he could be doing on this wild windswept november shore--had he wondered into a dementia induced youthful memory? he looked so at ease there in the crashing surf, the sand blasting in wind, she didn't realize he was the result of every day magic --suddenly she had the need to get closer; make sure he was real--she whistled for her dog, made her way toward him, hoping for his history unfolding verdant as an island...

but for now it was better than no man at all as she thought she could exist on the memory of the two of them but that wasn't the case any more with him aging thirty years and her libido was like a rubber ball being chased by an energetic puppy up one minute down the next and drenched to the gills when you lease expect it.But thats why she like the ocean and searched the horizon looking for a sign of life on an ocean that was lanquid with verve, but a rippling wind from the west moved her hair a little and pushed her dress a little to the sideand she was a bit angy that he would think of being with a younger woman. It was time for action.

There was a storm brewing far off on the horizon, but it was nothing compared to the gas that was brewing from the broccoli casserole she had eaten for lunch. The wind danced across the wave and then pressed itself against her. The man was closer now. She could see clearly that he was no spring chicken, but there was a certain youthfulness in his eyes. Well, one eye, the other was yellowish and full of pus. She squinted to get a better look. Yep, she thought, he has a glass eye, and that was the youthful one. This guy was a lot older than she thought. She couldn’t remember seeing anything that was quite as old as him.

He checked her out with his one pussey eye and started, "I'm o---, what the f*ck is that smell?"

oh...smell?hmmm...she sniffed; pretended, convincingly, not to notice anything unusual... well, um, sometimes there's a bloom on the water, she explained, covering her mouth (and ass) demurely with her left and right hand, respectively, hoping he was old enough to smell past her ill-fated lunch-time menu selection...

and the 92 year old coot sat with sand in his hands trying to remember the directions to the erections which much his surprise were no longer animal instinct but rather something he would have to re learn again. Or maybe he could not learn it again.He looked down the beach and looked like a Badacious guy named Derrick was walking down the beach and he rememembered when he was 10.

it made him recall being 10 because his best friend was named derrick, but how did he know THIS man was named derrick? it was because this man was wearing one of those stick-on "HELLO my NAME Is" badges because he was a fugitive from a corporate beach meeting being held to improve morale wherein people said things like "blue sky thinking" and "outside the box" and "bottom line" and had motivational speaker white smiles...understandably derrick was desperate to get away, so didn't notice the smelly woman & decrepit codger there watching him...

he was a fugitive from a corporate beach meeting being held to improve morale wherein people said things like "blue sky thinking" and "outside the box" and "bottom line" ....But really aall he was really capable of was thinking like a box and blue thigh thinking and improving his bottom line. He was a moral cesspoool and he had gone to this get away to clean up his lack of scruples but the stupid sticker on his sweater made him feel like a Wal Mart in the middle of Manhatten. So he made himself a Manhatten, much like Mrs Howell would have on Gilligan's Island and ironically up walks the professor with a transmitter that barely worked. He really needed Ginger.

but everyone knows ginger doesn't taste good in manhattans, so he drank it without any & after a few more he didn't mind the sticker that read "HELLO MY NAME IS: DERRICK" in fact he decided it wasn't a name tag at all -- it was his deputy sheriff's badge...he staggered down the beach declaring howdy, i'm sheriff of this here beach the flatulent woman thought he looked familiar from a brief stint she did as a corporate recruiter and the old man turned first his youthful glass eye in the direction of his drunken slur then the drippy yellow one, but who was he kidding, he couldn't see shit with eitherlater derrick awakened sprawled next to the professor's abandoned transmittor, sporting thurston howell's yachting cap and a sharpie marker villian's curled moustache and wondering why his somewhat sandy sherrif's badge had been replaced with a name tag that read "HELLO MY NAME IS DICKHEAD"...

well Richard Cranium is a name that one can be proud of despite the Dick Headish connotations. Today was going to be the Day that Dick Head (Mr Cranium) was going to change his life around but longst behold he slept throught the entire day or there he thought he had slept through the entire day but what had actually happened was that somehow the professors transmitor crossed wired from the Gillagans Island set to the "Lost" set and guess what the island completely disappeared and he reappeared on a Philadelphia street corner eating a soft pretzel and yearning for his much younger wife. Suddenly he did not feel a day over 90. A lightning bug hovered near his ear.

unfortunately for the lightning bug, he mistook it for a mosquito, to which he was highly allergic, and swatted it with the rolled up copy of his "plan for a new life" -- item number one was 'change name' -- his mother hadn't intended to name him richard cranium, she was going to name him after his father (one of the flying melendez brothers) but she didn't know which one it was & thought asking might be indelicate & dangerous, since they were also knife throwers by trade (with highly inaccurate aim, which is why they took to the highwire) so, as it happened at the time little d.c. was ready to be born, she was running *from* the circus...and as such the nearest hospital was one of those charity sorts with very little government funding --- the maternity ward was drive thru only and they tried to consolidate procedures as much as possible--so just as dicky's mom was in the most painful stage of labor, the records clerk asked, "baby's name?" and dicky's mom screamed "FUCKING DICKHEAD" in sheer agony & with the thought of whichever brother had left her in this predicament, which the records clerk mistook for her answer...this explained the initial f. on richard's birth certificate which he could never explain...but wait, if his name is richard cranium...why was the weepy eyed old man on the beach calling him derrick? and where had that sheriff's badge gone anyway? he shrugged, maybe they'd been rescued by the cast of gilligan's island after all & taken his badge in exchange for thurston's jaunty cap---he was contemplating this when he began to feel as if he couldn't breathe, turns out the mosquito wasn't dead, just stunned...

so Ph**ing Richard Cranium and his love of the lightning bug went skipping down the coast as gayly and rapidly as possible as his new plan for his new life was a bit of a mirage, but he could certainly see it clearly ....but he needed to speed it up- and there sat a bike in a bike rack and a helmet well hung by the rack and Phucking Dick Head picked up that bike and proceeded down the hill toward the beach but at that time he rememberred he could barely ride a bike and swimming may not be an option because he had a fudgesickle 20 minutes before and everybody but Dick head knows to wait a half hour after eating before going swimming...

he thought perhaps he was skipping a bit too exuberantly, judging from the looks of passersby...so he slowed to a respectable walk and wondered why he was suddenly thinking about swimming on a full stomach and fudgsicles?

it had been a strange 48 hours

the last thing he remembered was being on a beach at a mandatory work-conference, maybe that girl from accounting who was always hitting on him had slipped something in his drink...he vaguely remembered her staring at him intently with her one blue eye and one green one glittering beneath her one thick black eyebrow and her smile, which always made him think of the guy from nacho libre-he shivered at the memory

everything after that was a blur...and now here he was fighting the urge to resume skipping gaily and unsure where exactly he was going....

the last thing he remembered was being on a beach at a mandatory work-conference, maybe that girl from accounting who was always hitting on him had slipped something in his drink but he rather doubted that as the girl who loved the sea, she went no matter the season and she was the girl on the beach walking her dog and she was walking in the fog or maybe it was mist in her bare feet. He yelled to her but the roar of the Ocean muffled his yearning screams. He rushed to catch up to her but his legs moved much slower than his mind and of course a distant thunder almost silently rolled down the coast

which of course foreshadows a killer or a an escaped convict on the beach or the near vicinity by this far off thunderstom was a false harbinger as the immediate future from what she knew or anybody knew was completely under her control.

Sand crabs nibbled her feet but she could not give a fuck and they actually felt quite good and the night was getting cold very quickly so she took refuge at the roaring bonfire where she was not sure whsat the smoke consisted of but she had a deep inhale and another and it felt good as the stars melted into the ocean.

she realized later when she was craving 4 for $1.00 pudding pies from the all night grocery... and nachos with jalapenos...and an extra large blue slushy...and doritoes and crunchy cheetos that the bonfire wasn't a bonfire at all, it was the DEA destroying the crop of the marijuana and hashish ring they'd busted earlier that month...

But in her haze of illusion and dilusion she realized that she was rather hungy and admittedly lonely bot more than anything thing she was mad at her self for being lazy.

It was time to face her demons and get on with her god damn life. Too many of these late night nachos and moon pies had left her once perfectly flat stomach as that of one in the first tri -mester.

Its was time to get off her ass and make her Mark in the world.


when she awakened amidst the detritus of moon pies (who bought moon pies??? she doesn't care for marshmallow unless toasted) DAMN that DEA contraband! suddenly, it dawned on her fat ass...if it wasn't for the governments bonfire of stellar weed and its pudding pie side effects she wouldn't be so out of shape, she'd probably be a runway supermodel like tyra banks...oh, shit, wait...ummm... the "before picture" tyra--yeah, that's IT -- ERGO...the government was responsible for her lack of success...she knew now what she had to do: file a class-action suit...just like macdonalds, the government would have to be held accountable for the obesity of the american public...she thought about organizing protests around the country...video-taping it on her i-phone, making a documentary entitled "too high nation" yeah, that's it...she'd become a 'drug bust chaser' --she'd need to stock up on supplies at the 7-11...

so into the the 7-11 she waltzed and order a quart of Schlitz Malt Liquer, and an ice crean sandwhich and and for today she was eshewing the Moon Pies. But she was a woman on a mission and her pace quickened as she approached her little beach side cabin with Quart in the Right Hand and ice cream dripping down her chin but she need somewhat of a super hero persona to solve her problems as well as the problems facing our world. She searched her imagination as well as her neatly ordered closet and decided there was one thing and one thing only that would help her achieve the disired end.

And that was her killer yellow sundress.

she frowned, "but my yellow sundress makes me look fat...there are no *fat* super-heros; the world just isn't ready..." but wait, there was a pregnant superhero in JUNO...maybe the world WAS ready! she threw down the hostess cupcake she was eating and slipped into the dress...checked her look in the mirror...decided she had no cape to match, what she really needed was a unitard with a letter stitched on the front

unitardless and in the snazzy sun dress that whipped in the wind it was time to turn the world on it ears.

She started posting her profile on E-Harmony and the only thing she could think of was cliches. She tolerated long walks on the beach but right now she really needed to get laid.

But for today that may have to wait.

She had a plan and it was a pretty decent plan. She was going to kidnap somebody and she was going to kidnap somebody and then she was going to write and elequent ransom note and hopefully the person she was going to kidnap was like by the person she was going to send the ransom note.

This could be the perfect plan or the perfect clusterfuck.